Have you ever had an Aha moment? A moment where it seems like the cartoonists had gotten it right by drawing a light bulb over a character's head as they had just been enlightened. I know that I have had several of those moments throughout my lifetime. However, there was one that just stood out to me recently.
I had to make a late night run to the store to get some items for the next day. As I went inside the store and began the search for the items, my mind kept racing back to a gentleman that I had begun to get to know. When we first started talking, he seemed so interested in me and we both were so amazed at how much we were liking each other so quickly after only a few dates. But, lately, he began to act distant. The phone calls and text messages had decreased and slowed down. There was a certain nonchalant tone in his voice when we would talk. As I was walking back to my car I had my aha moment. And it was very similar to the moment that was had on the movie in which the title bore the same name, "He's Just Not That Into You".
And just like that, it all became clear. I began to wrestle with several emotions that washed over me. From the confusion of "why did he pursue me" to the anger that "I can't believe he would do this" to the self doubt of "was it me" and finally ending with the confidence of "oh well, I tried". You see, becoming emotionally vulnerable and feeling ready to enter a new relationship was a major step in my healing. It has taken almost 5 years to get to a point of trusting again, becoming vulnerable again and being ready for love again.
Although this attempt is ending, I don't feel let down or discouraged behind it. I am, actually, encouraged and blessed that I made the decision to love myself more and to fully understand my value and worth. I don't need a wishy-washy love. I deserve to have a man who would move heaven and earth to have me in his life, not someone who can't figure out how to fit me into theirs. I deserve to have a love where I can feel confident that he loves me, he wants me, he desires me and not a love that I'm constantly wondering how he feels. After all, I had that in my marriage and it broke me.
So, I'm thankful for the lesson. I'm thankful for the blessing. This relationship may not have brought me what I wanted, but it definitely taught me what I don't want. And the blessing is that I'm still open, still vulnerable and still ready! Thank God!